definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
