If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
