I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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