You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When are your genitals available?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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