1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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