I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
