We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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