The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
