my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
