this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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