i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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