I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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