There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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