i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
