after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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