Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
