I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
