even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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