I just pynch a tree in the face
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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