just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
