you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
