Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
