Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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