i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
