My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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