before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
