I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
