I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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