...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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