I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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