You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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