I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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