Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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