Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
