I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
