whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
