Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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