I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
