i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
