she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
