Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
