It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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