careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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