ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
