I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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