just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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