everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
