My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
