i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
