I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
