It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
