can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
