He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
