I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
