I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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